Dyslexics of the world, untie!

What's the deal with shoelaces these days? I remember learning to tie mine as a kid... the thrill of accomplishment, the rush of achievement as the bunny ran 'round the tree and dove into its hole. It was pure, simple magic.

For some reason, I've noticed in the last handful of years, however, something sinister has been going on behind the closed doors of the major shoelace manufacturers. Maybe they're coating them with teflon. Maybe they're just weaving them tighter. Perhaps they've switched to an all petroleum-based twine to spin these little podal stays. Whatever the case, the damnable strings won't stay tied anymore!

I've damn near bit chunks of asphalt lately when an errand strand will flop loose from one of my clodhoppers and flail about the opposing foot. So I tie them. Again. I cinch 'em up real good, too, pulling at the ends with a Herculean tug until the knot nears a singularity that threatens to swallow the known universe. In about five minutes, I hear the tell-tale slap of cord on concrete again.

So I double-knot, double-bow, triple axial and give 'em a spot of super glue for good measure. Oh, for a simpler time, when laces knew their places, and no paces did disgrace.

Now, where's that welding torch?